The Perfect Plan
by Giru
Summary: Itachi has a brilliant idea. Kisame is skeptical. Sasuke is a victim of fashion. Oh yes, there is also a grand adventure. There will eventually be YAOI!


The Perfect Plan

**Summary: **Itachi has a brilliant idea. Kisame is skeptical. Sasuke is a victim of fashion. Oh yes, there is also a grand adventure.

**Genre: **humor

**Rating:** PG-13/T

**Warnings:** references to yaoi, OOC-ness.

**Disclaimer:**I lay no claim to any of the Naruto characters; I'm merely borrowing them for my own entertainment, and (hopefully) the entertainment of those who read this.

* * *

Uchiha Itachi hummed contentedly to himself as he painted another layer of plum nail polish onto his perfectly sculpted fingernails. 

"What's got you in such a good mood?" Kisame grunted from the boulder he was leaning on. The shark-like former mist-nin slashed Samehada through the air, amusing himself with the _whoosh_ sound that resulted with each swing of the blade.

Itachi briefly glanced up at his companion before turning his attention back to his nails. "Naruto-kun…" he murmured, so softly that Kisame almost missed it.

Kisame resisted the sudden urge to smack his own forehead in exasperation. Sure, it was their mission to collect the Kyuubi brat, but didn't Itachi's obsession with the boy border on the slightly unhealthy side? Kisame jumped suddenly as his partner in crime let out an odd noise.

It took him a few moments to realize that the unfamiliar sound coming from Itachi was actually a soft chuckle. Itachi was…laughing?

"What, do you have yet another brilliant plan to capture the brat?" the shark-like man barked.

Itachi glared at him with narrowed eyes, bereft of the sharingan for a change. "This time it's _foolproof_." He snapped.

"I knew it." Kisame sighed.

"I don't see you coming up with any ideas." Itachi commented in a deceptively calm voice, stretching his hand out in front of him to examine the fresh paint job.

"I'm not the one who's the self-proclaimed mastermind of this duo." Kisame growled, slashing Samehada through the air again and relishing the _whoosh_.

Itachi continued to glare at the other ninja, remaining stubbornly silent, before starting on the nails of his other hand.

"It's been _three_ years since the first time we went after the kid – and what do we have to show for it?" Kisame paused, as if waiting for an answer.

When none came, he continued, "A whole lot of _nice tries,_ that's what! The Leader is not happy with us."

Itachi simply blew on his fingernails to quicken the paint's drying.

"If your plans keep crashing and burning like this, he's going to lose his patience with us."

Itachi's eyes narrowed once again. "I'll have you know," he sniffed, "that it is not my ingenious plans that are at fault here. If _any_ of them had been executed properly, we would have had Naruto-kun in out possession ages ago."

"I still don't see how "ingenious" constitutes dressing up like – "

"– If you hadn't ripped your petticoat and tripped in your stilettos like an ungraceful fool, that plan would have worked perfectly!" Itachi snapped.

The two feared Akatsuki members glared daggers at one another in utter silence for a full two minutes. The quiet was finally disrupted when Itachi bent over, hitched up his black and red coat, and began coating his toenails with the purple polish.

"Augh! That is just so – so _gay!_" Kisame practically howled.

"Akatsuki is a politically correct organization when it comes to my sexuality, Kisame-san. I could have you demoted for that comment." The Uchiha drawled, continuing to focus on his toenails.

"But why does it have to be _purple_?"

"Purple happens to be my favorite color, not that it's any concern of yours how I decide to decorate my nails. You might want to invest in some make up of your own, you know. Blue skin is _so _not in vogue right now." Itachi sneered.

"And purple nails _are_?"

"Well, yes."

"It's _girly, _Itachi-san. It sullies our organization's reputation as manly bad-asses to have a queer with purple nails!" Kisame whined.

"There you go again with the homophobia. Don't think I don't know you and Zetsu were going at it all of last year." Itachi smirked slightly in that maddening way only Uchihas can manage.

A loud clatter resonated in the cave as Samehada was dropped haphazardly to the ground.

"What – what… how did you –?" Kisame sputtered, gills flaring out indignantly and turning suspiciously pink around the edges.

"Oh please, you two clearly didn't make much of an effort to keep the volume down." Itachi's smirk grew bolder.

Kisame gaped with mortification, his gaping mouth making him look even more fish-like than normal.

"So," Itachi pressed relentlessly, "which of you is the one that screams like a girl?"

The shark-man's gills were now red with an obvious blush. "I _assure_ you, that was Zetsu!" he replied, a bit too vehemently.

Itachi leveled him with an unnervingly stoic gaze. "And you call _me_ gay…" he muttered.

Kisame couldn't think of anything to do but stand his ground and glower at the man who was audacious enough to take a crack at his masculinity while _painting his toenails purple._

"Fine, why don't you tell me this ingenious plan of yours, Itachi-san?" Kisame quickly changed the subject, glaring venomously at his partner and fighting down his blush.

"Very well, it all starts off with…"

A half an hour later found the two S-class criminals treading down a wide path in full Akatsuki garb, each complete with a hat and a dangling bell.

Without warning, Itachi stopped dead in his tracks.

"Eh? What's the matter?" Kisame inquired, turning around to face his companion.

"I forgot my extra nail polish." Said companion stated bluntly.

Kisame lurched forward in exasperated shock and nearly impaled himself on his blade. "_That's_ what you're worried about?" he practically shrieked, gills flaring once again but this time from frustration.

"Yes."

"…You're worried about your _nail polish_."

"Yes."

"…Your _purple_ nail polish."

"Yes."

Kisame, in a desperate attempt to cling to his sanity, strode back towards the cave, slicing Samehada in front of him and taking comfort in the satisfying _whoosh_ it made.

After retrieving Itachi's nail polish, the two walked together in silence, save for the occasional tinkling of the bells suspended from their hats. They trudged on for no more than a quarter of an hour before Kisame finally muttered, "This plan makes the _last_ one look brilliant."

Itachi shot him a calculating glance. "The last plan _was_ brilliant. It's not my fault you insisted on carrying that sword with you the entire time. You should have known that Deidara's sculptures wouldn't take kindly to being poked with that ridiculous oversized razorblade."

Kisame growled and clutched at his precious sword, as if attempting to physically protect it from Itachi's jibes.

"Fine then," he finally said, not wanting to continue on the topic of _that_ particular event, "But about this plan… do we really have to involve _Orochimaru_?"

"Of course." Itachi said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

"…Care to elaborate on why we're seeking help from the man who abandoned our organization?"

"Without his cooperation, we have no easy way of getting a hold of our bait." The sharingan user explained.

"Bait?" Kisame repeated skeptically.

"The bait that will lure out Naruto-kun for sure."

It finally dawned on Kisame. "Your brother."

Itachi's silence confirmed his suspicions.

Kisame's fingers twitched slightly around his grip on Samehada. Simply killing the two-timing snake-bastard sounded a lot more entertaining than trying to work with him.

"We're not doing this for fun, Kisame-san. We have a long-overdue mission to complete. Orochimaru-san's help is vital to its success." Itachi commented lightly.

Kisame faltered slightly in his step and, for the second time in the past hour, nearly tripped over his massive sword. Whoever said that the mind-reading powers of the sharingan were nothing but an illusion was clearly a blithering idiot, he decided.

"Besides," Itachi added, somewhat wistfully, "I do miss him sometimes. That snaky tongue of his can do _amazing_ things…"

This time Kisame couldn't stop himself from stumbling over Samehada in shock as Itachi continued walking as if he'd said nothing out of the ordinary. Barely managing to save himself from a certain painful confrontation with the ground, the traumatized shark-ninja could only think that it was looking to be a long, _long_ mission.

* * *

Several hundred miles away, a young man by the name of Uchiha Sasuke sneezed. 

"Would you _please_ KEEP STILL!" a man with dark green hair and a Sound Village forehead protector hissed through the sewing pins clenched in his teeth. "And keep your arms raised!"

Sasuke scowled but obediently lifted his arms as the man poked and prodded him and extended a measuring tape up the side of his torso.

"My old outfit was fine." He growled, while trying to ignore the tip of the measuring tape being shoved into his armpit.

The man snatched the pins from between his lips and simpered, "You'll find that boyish white shorts and Uchiha crests aren't in vogue here in the Sound Village, Sasuke-_sama_."

Sasuke snorted disdainfully. "Tch, I don't give a flying fuck about fashion – all I want is _power. _So unless you can give me that, I have no desire to see your face"

The green-haired man gave a sudden shriek of shrill laughter. "_I_ am Orochimaru-sama's official tailor!" he boasted proudly.

"And?" Sasuke asked, deadpanned.

"_And,_ you will wear what I make for you without complaining. Uchiha or not, you still have to abide by the dress code!" The tailor snapped, moving to measure Sasuke's arm.

Said Uchiha opened his mouth to argue, but was cut off by a low, dry chuckle.

"_Kukukukuku…_ resistant are we, Sasuke-kun?" a voice breathed in his ear.

Sasuke started, nearly knocking the tailor clear off his feet. When had Orochimaru gotten so close to him? He hadn't heard him coming at all… He ground his teeth as he was once again reminded how much of a beginner he truly was when compared with the likes of the snake sannin.

Orochimaru lightly stroked the back of Sasuke's neck, and the young ninja couldn't repress a disgusted shiver that ran down his spine. What the…

"…Are you _petting_ me?" Sasuke asked, dumbfounded. Who the _hell_ did this guy think he was? Going around playing with people's necks like that!

Orochimaru coughed. Sasuke raised an eyebrow.

"You have a visitor, Sasuke-kun…" Orochimaru rasped, not answering Sasuke's previous question.

The raven-haired boy tensed immediately. Had the dobe and his little posse come after him again?

"I don't have time for visitors. Give me power." He demanded, turning around to glare at the sannin.

"Well then, shall I tell Itachi-san to come back another time…? A pity really, he seemed so anxious to see you."

Sasuke's blood turned to ice in his veins. His brother, here? No, this wasn't right! Itachi was supposed to prancing around the countryside with that shark of his while Sasuke trained himself for their next fight!

Orochimaru turned and headed towards the door exiting the room, clearly expecting Sasuke to follow him. Sasuke promptly strode after him, ignoring both the half-completed purple obi and tan outfit he currently sported, as well as the indignant sputtering of the tailor who was now left with only a measuring to tape and no body to measure.

The young Uchiha nearly collapsed with shock upon entering the main room only to see his older brother sprawled out across the floor in full Akatsuki uniform, happily painting his toenails.

* * *

End chapter one! Wow, wtf did I just write? I really should go finish chapter to of Got to Get You Out of my Mind …. 

Next chapter: I HAVE NO FRICKING IDEA, ANY SUGGESTIONS?


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